how do you solve a problem like maria would?

Dearest Pippy B,

Thank you ever so much for your kind letter! It filled me with such wonder to think that I with my cropped hair and irritatingly bubbly personality could offer advice! Well, I’m so delighted I can barely write! But with a song in my heart I shall, and now, let’s start at the very beginning.

1. Sew clothes made from curtains my dear, not venetian blinds.
2. For matters of the heart I’m afraid you’ll have to away to seek advice from mother superior.
3. Yes, the term “I’m there with bells on” does endorse the use of doorbells and sleigh bells.
4. No, the line “Lusty and clear from the goatherd’s throat heard” has never been surpassed either in its excellent rhyming nor innocent double entendre.
5. Of course schnitzel with noodles  constitutes all your dietry requirements! What a question!
6. Use brown paper bags tied up with string as cocaine tends to keep much better in paper. And do try to avoid getting any on your nose and eyelashes.

I can hear Georg whistling for me, I wish you terribly good luck with everything,

Maria.

in for a penny

With little money, mounting pressure from parents, and far too much time on my hands I am seeking inspiration from others in their successful pursuit of that elusive mistress, income. Perhaps I could write a novel, no wait, a sanitising series of novels that pander to the fantasies (and disposable income) of the world’s middle aged women and tweenage girls (why do they love the same guys? it’s just too creepy) 

Or I suppose I could begin behaving like an utter bastard; it seems to work for many successful business people, celebrities and dictators across the globe.  Who needs compassion for their fellow man anyway right? Hmm, my Jiminy Cricket does not approve. And I’m forgetting adventure and excitement! Call me old-fashioned but I can’t go past a diamond heist, they always looked so damn glamorous, and there is of course the Cary Grant factor*. Oh he can dress in black and chase me across rooftops any time.** I think that’s just about made up my mind…goodbye boredom, hello criminal record.

*a well documented and validated factor that guarantees charm and smoulders ahoy 

**I understand Grant is a long dead actor however he is still about 10 billion times more admirable than a fictional 110 year old vampire man-child.

travel warning: beware the tearjerker

After seeing a show at the Comedy Festival, I was still chuckling to myself as I hopped on the tram when disaster struck.  I’d picked a book off the shelf because it fitted nicely in my fancy bag, but halfway home and nearing the end of the novel I began to realise this may not have been my brightest idea. The tram was the number 8, the book was Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck and the last tissue was sopping by the time I arrived at my stop.  Crying in public is not something I do often, saving it for the warm anonymity of a dark movie theatre, but sometimes I cop it from a book and this often happens when I’m trapped on public transport. 

So here's my top 5 books that should have a public transport warning on the front.

1. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck. Yes he wrote ‘classics’ but boring he is not. Steinbeck will take your heart and then break it piece by piece.  My housemates thought I’d been through some trauma on the tram when I arrived home red eyed and talk-crying. Also be wary of his Grapes of Wrath.
2. The Midnight Zoo by Sonya Hartnett.  Like much of Hartnett’s other work, the term “will fuck you over” would not be remiss and you should be prepared to spend some time with your hand clasped over your mouth audibly moaning “oh God no”. But it’s amazing nonetheless.
3. Spud by John Van de Ruit. This book will elicit the following from you no matter your surroundings; chuckle, guffaw, cringe, guffaw (repeat), weeping, laughter. You will then buy this book for your brother. Who buys this book for his friends and so on and so forth.
4. The Book Thief by Marcus Zusak. From moderate sales as a young adult fiction to best seller after book clubs of the world discovered it. Don’t be off put by its popularity. Many tissues sacrificed themselves to my nose after some achingly beautiful writing.
5. Eleven by Mark Watson. What the deuce? A Comedian who makes me cry? Watson’s a funny guy but a tragic event in this tale not only made me swear aloud on a tram, earning me a disapproving look from a fellow passenger, it also put me off babysitting indefinitely.